Friday, August 14, 2009

Hell hath no fury like a mom buying school supplies.

Choices are from the devil. And he lives at Target.

So, this morning saw us running a slew of errands in preparation to send my children back to school (or, to school, in Little J's case). First to G's school to do some copying, as I am officially her ROOM MOM this year! Yes, I am that excited. I am the coolest person you know.

Only, I realized 2 seconds in to this project that I have no knowledge of copy machines. Or, more specifically, how to make them collate and staple and fetch me a diet coke, which apparently they do these days. So, we went old school, circa 1988. Copy one page. Put paper back in the tray. Copy on the back side. Repeat. Lay out neat little piles and organize papers in order. Staple.

Retro is in. Haven't you heard?

Four small children came along for the task. In a room full of copiers and laminaters and staplers and markers. Lordy. None were flattened or pierced or duplicated in the process--AMEN (especially on that last one).

My fatal error was leaving the Target run until 11:15 a.m...but we need school supplies! What's a mom to do?

I'll tell you. NEVER go to Target again in the week before every school resumes. And under no circumstances should you even think about Wal-mart, I don't care if it might save you 30 cents.

There were, maybe, 12 items on my list. Standard, everyday classroom items. Items I bought back in 1981 when I was entering first grade.

Item #1: Spiral notebook.

Wide-ruled? College-ruled? Perforated? Purple? Blue? Princesses? Camouflage? Lavender-scented? One subject? 50 subject? Pink? With a pocket? With 5 pockets? Fresh-linen scented? High School Musical?

G wants Hannah Montana. We don't even watch that show! For this reason! Which just goes to show you the scary genius/mind-washing capabilities of the Disney machine. Even I like that Miley Cyrus song, "The Climb" and I am 33-years-old and OBVIOUSLY way too cool for that. I am room mom and all.

Item #2: 8-pack of crayons.

Classic colors? Tropical colors? Smelly Crayons? Fat? Skinny? Oh wait. No 8-packs. Only 24-packs. But I need eight! Just eight! It says eight!!!! Do I buy the 24-pack and just guess which colors the teacher is most likely to use? The difference between royal blue and turquoise could mean life or death in first grade. I think I read that in the handbook.

Item #3: Folders. See all choices listed above, under notebooks.

All of which just BEGS the question...what happened to the Trapper Keeper? Because that thing was all binders/folders/notebooks/general coolness wrapped up in one plastic, velcro package.

And don't even get me started on the clothes. Which are freaking awesome, btw. Way to go Target! Who ever is in charge of buying for the children's department deserves a raise (so long as it doesn't raise prices, lets keep it real). First the plethora of polka dot bathing suits. And I am glad to see you have continued that trend with corduroy bubble skirts in an orange/pink theme. Bravo.

Might I offer a suggestion.

Satan/Target-Powers-That-Be: Would you please send at least 100 of every item in a size 7. Because apparently, that is the age/size of every girl living in the St. Louis region. As witnessed by the fact that no size 7's exist in all of your massively crowded and currently-under-construction store. Except for jeans of the acid-washed variety. Please do not send ANY MORE of those.

A final shout out to Jesus, who so obviously kept my mental health in check and spared the lives of my many children while we were being consumed by the fire of hell (translation: shopping at Target). Because losing it over glue sticks and denim does seem kind of silly.


M Denckhoff said...

one of your best!

Ryans said...


Anonymous said...

The very Target you speak of...I know it and I hate it!!! demons of frustration lurking in every aisle!!!

carol said...

...that anonymous thing was me

amy said...

i think i still have my trapper keeper!!! ahhh. the good ole days....

beth said...

great writing, sara! i don't have any lists, but i still get sucked in every year.

becky c said...

you are so funny. so glad your my friend!

Dana said...

love, love, LOVE the new blog pic!! too cute!

beth said...

ahh, the new background is so soothing. i liked the green but it seriously did a number on my eyes. every time i left your site it was like coming in from a bright sunny day with new snow on the ground and you have to blink to regain normal vision. :)