At 1:49 p.m., I made myself lunch.
I went to the counter, opened the bag of fat-free buns and plopped one out. And not a half a second later, I glimpse what appears to be a fly escaping the plastic bag, the former home of my soon-to-be consumed bun.
First thought: Search the bag for fly poop. I have no idea what fly poop looks like, but feel it will be obvious when I see it. Having trouble distinguishing crumbs from poop.
Second thought: How long can a fly survive in the vacuum of a sealed plastic bag?
Third thought: If I don't eat this sandwich, I am going to devour an ENTIRE tub of cheese puffs...purchased from Sams, no less. I have not eaten fat-free hot dogs and soup for weeks just to blow it on cheese puffs.
Fourth thought: Fly was actually taking a breather on the laminate countertops directly below the plastic bag, thus giving the illusion of escape from the bread dungeon.
Out of convenience (translation: laziness), we're adopting option four, because I have neither the patience nor the blood sugar to search out another food source that does not involve processed cheese product. This meal comes after a picnic with my youngest three, whom I put on the school bus just minutes before the last ounce of my energy and willpower were sucked dry from my marrow.
Why not eat with the kiddos?
Because I practically have to feed them at 10:45 to get them on the bus at noon. And L is on a manual setting when it comes to eating, which means I have to talk her through biting. And chewing. And chewing. And swallowing. And chewing. It sort of takes the fun out of eating all on my own. Particularly when my diet consists of no fat or calories.
Bor-ing.
So, our fun little picnic was fun, but it was also a lot of, "Chew, L, Chew. Swallow. Don't touch that. Stop squeezing the yogurt. Do not touch the stick covered in bugs. Chew. Leave your straw in the juice. Don't play with your shoe. Swallow, L. One more bite. Don't touch her. Chew."
It isn't always perfect. Wait. It's never perfect. They never magically behave and transform into fully-functioning 30-year-olds. It just is life to have little people who ask a million questions and push every boundary and act inappropriately in most social situations. Don't let it stop you folks!
Even if it means eating a sandwich bun that may, or may not, have been the toilet of an angry fly. I'm just sayin'.
Second thought: How long can a fly survive in the vacuum of a sealed plastic bag?
Third thought: If I don't eat this sandwich, I am going to devour an ENTIRE tub of cheese puffs...purchased from Sams, no less. I have not eaten fat-free hot dogs and soup for weeks just to blow it on cheese puffs.
Fourth thought: Fly was actually taking a breather on the laminate countertops directly below the plastic bag, thus giving the illusion of escape from the bread dungeon.
Out of convenience (translation: laziness), we're adopting option four, because I have neither the patience nor the blood sugar to search out another food source that does not involve processed cheese product. This meal comes after a picnic with my youngest three, whom I put on the school bus just minutes before the last ounce of my energy and willpower were sucked dry from my marrow.
Why not eat with the kiddos?
Because I practically have to feed them at 10:45 to get them on the bus at noon. And L is on a manual setting when it comes to eating, which means I have to talk her through biting. And chewing. And chewing. And swallowing. And chewing. It sort of takes the fun out of eating all on my own. Particularly when my diet consists of no fat or calories.
Bor-ing.
So, our fun little picnic was fun, but it was also a lot of, "Chew, L, Chew. Swallow. Don't touch that. Stop squeezing the yogurt. Do not touch the stick covered in bugs. Chew. Leave your straw in the juice. Don't play with your shoe. Swallow, L. One more bite. Don't touch her. Chew."
It isn't always perfect. Wait. It's never perfect. They never magically behave and transform into fully-functioning 30-year-olds. It just is life to have little people who ask a million questions and push every boundary and act inappropriately in most social situations. Don't let it stop you folks!
Even if it means eating a sandwich bun that may, or may not, have been the toilet of an angry fly. I'm just sayin'.
2 comments:
perfect is the ultimate illusion...really??? 0 calories AND 0 fat???? How DO you do it? Isn't it called the P.O.W. diet?
Hey! Maybe you'll get e coli and lose a lot of weight puking and pooing, and then you won't have to be on your fat-free diet anymore!
(Are you really trying to lose weight?)
(And OH MY GOD you must have the patience of a saint because I would flip out if I had to talk my child through eating. It's hard enough talking them through sitting down 20x/meal.)
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