I am writing a book.
There, I have officially said it. With the hives and sweat marks to prove it. Because this admission, to anyone other than my husband and closest friends, is a huge step for me. One I'm not even sure I want to make. But as I mentioned yesterday, I don't really feel there is any debate about it. I feel 100% certain that this is what God is leading me to do, the thing he created me for, specifically.
Six months ago, I wouldn't have told you that I was a writer. Even though my parents paid A LOT of money for me to claim that. Honestly, how many people graduate with English composition degrees? TONS. How many of them want to write a book? TONS (or else it was a big, fat waste of money and time). I graduated from college with the desire to write a book, but none of the confidence to think I had any ability to do it.
Seriously, that is the attitude I entered the real world with. It is AMAZING that I didn't become CEO of a Fortune 500 company with that kind of confidence.
From the very start of our life together, Mike has ALWAYS told me to write a book. Which is funny, as I would never let him read anything that I had written (in college...in the 7 years following graduation, I wrote not one, single thing). I am GUARDED about what I put to paper--maybe you didn't know that, as I currently write a daily blog for all to see and critique?
Mike's encouragement to me was what I considered "expected" behavior. What you do when you are married to an English major. You assume she likes to write and you run with it. I would easily admit it was the desire of my heart, but quickly follow that up with a healthy dose of self loathing that included not having the time or inspiration or single ounce of talent to actually accomplish that pipe dream. In my mind, being an "actual" writer is comparable to being an astronaut or a movie star. Big, fat, morbidly-obese chance.
That changed slightly when we had our triplets. I knew I had a story to tell. Their story. I realized it early on and processed every experience with the understanding of a chapter outline. I needed the time, but the idea was there.
And wouldn't you know. I tried, on several occasions, to begin writing that story. I even gave Mike 10 pages of it for Christmas one year. But I could not make it work, I couldn't find the words. Not because I was being a perfectionist, but because I just had no focus, no voice, no point. Which of course, led to more loathing about how much I sucked as a writer (and human being in general).
There are a lot of little factors that point me toward taking this up again. All seemed pretty insignificant. The blog did wonders in luring me out of my hole, building me up. I love this little blog, I love the attention it's getting.
But I keep being encouraged with the idea of a book. Not just a book, but a Christian book, maybe a devotional.
I DON'T want to write a devotional. I want to write a potty-mouthed epic that will become a screenplay. And eventually win an Oscar. I want to cling to the things that aren't acceptable to Jesus, but are totally relate-able with people. I identify with my DEEP faults. So much so, that I am not willing to part with them.
That, right there, is the root of my issues. With writing, with life. Because the story I want to tell, is not the story he wants to tell. I assume his story is bor-ing! Oh! And I tend to think that I need to know everything about the bible, and use words like "transfiguration" and dress in a a wardrobe channeling the 1800's American prairie/Duggar family circa 2010. Oh my God! Do you HEAR the ridiculous-ness in that? I am writing it in all honesty and without censorship, because THAT is what part of me believes Christianity to be. And I claim to be a part of that! I believe in Jesus as Savior and yet tend to think this translates to everyday life in the form of hemlines and modesty and prudish-ness and no fun.
Seriously. It's no wonder that non-Christians have a terrible view of believers. If believers (like me) happen to have such a hideous impression of what it means to follow Christ on a daily basis. Rules and dress codes. REALLY?
I believe in Jesus, but SO WHAT, if I don't follow him in faith. This plan, this book, for me, is like choosing his path, or walking away with a see ya later. And at this particular moment, he is opening the door to my biggest dream, and I stubbornly debating it, as it is being offered on his terms, and not mine.
He is not asking me to be Mother Theresa. Or Billy Graham. Or Tammy Lynn Baker. He is not asking me to rewrite the bible. He is asking me to write his story, of my life, as he reveals it. Not for it's perfection, but for it's need.
Consider this my first step in faith.