Monday, February 22, 2010

Where I *kind of* tell you my hearts desire and how God is handing it to me on a plate.

I made it until 8 p.m. without a sip of Diet Coke. And so, I am feeling like a failure, as it pertains to artificial sweetener consumption.

It's such a true picture of my standards for success. Which mostly hinge on totally insignificant things.

And my six week love affair with Sweethearts is about to come to a heartbreaking end. Unless, of course, someone happens to know where I might get my hands on a bag (or 2 or 50) of large sweethearts. So this is what it's like to kick an unhealthy addiction.

Truth be told, I am all kinds of restless. And that manifests itself in a general frustration with every insignificant thing in my life.

Have you ever struggled with purpose? Wanting more, but not knowing what MORE is? I know most of you reading this are moms. Did you always want to be a mom? And now that you're there, does it fulfill you?

I always thought I would be a mother. Not out of burning desire, per se, but because that's what girls do. They get married and they pop children out (that part is NOT a fairy tale, more a bloody comedy). Thankfully, I was raised at at time where the choices available to me also included college (which I LOVED, did you know that) and career (which I HATED, passionately). But then came the kids I was supposed to have, which sent me into all kinds of uncontrolled chaos and new identities. Everything changed.

Do you miss where you came from?

What I really wanted, was to marry the love of my life. Which I did, when I was 23. And two years later, we were having a baby. Recently, I am so thankful that we started our family when we did. Not because I had more energy or wisdom (please, refrain from laughter), but because most of my choices up until that point were pretty unfulfilling, aside from my choice in a husband. I wasn't giving anything up, I wasn't trying to balance two lifestyles, I was simply following the plan. And if that "plan" had to fight against a real desire for anything else, I am 100% certain my children would have suffered. I'm not sure I would have adequately chosen or balanced the vomit and the NICU and the tantrums and the discipline with any other option that was *slightly* more glamorous.

I did not choose my family by default, in the absence of other options. I truly believe that God removed the distractions that would have easily pulled me away from them. I embrace my role as mom, I love it and struggle with it, and desire to be better for them. To do this job WELL. I understand THIS as my purpose--to raise them with conviction and faith, to change the world through them (no pressure). I am happy in that. I am challenged by seeing God's bigger picture through them.

But what if there's more? Lately, I am struggling with "more". Since having my children, I've never been enticed by more, as we've had quite our share of tragedy and struggle, and that has kept me on my toes, learning to be a nurse and a neonatologist and a variety of therapists. It has been challenging on all levels--emotional, physical, spiritual, occupational, parental. And it has been COMPLETELY fulfilling to see your miracle babies thrive, and to appreciate in your healthy children the things most parents don't see apart from tragedy.

Only now, I feel with CERTAINTY, that I am being called to more. But I am fighting it. I am confident this is God's plan--that it's been his plan for me, my ENTIRE life. But I am totally unconfident in my ability to do it. Which is ridiculous, as he is the God who inspires and equips me. But I am use to the praise and affirmation of men (and women). God's confidence is "great" and all, but I live in a world of human beings and I need their feedback. Wow.

Up until this point, I always saw my life as a series of events. I processed everything that way. Particularly once I became a Christian and really tried to decipher God's plan for my life, I would pick things apart to understand what he was teaching me, where he was leading. I would look back at struggle and find the purpose in it. I wrote in a post a couple of weeks ago, that I could see God as I looked back and analyzed...but rarely recognized him in the moment he was working.

Well. Prayers answered. I know specifically why I was created. SPECIFICALLY. Every single ounce of my being was created for this, I am certain. Revealed within the month that I have prayed to know him intimately. And I'm not sure I'm ready to pick up what he's throwing down.

The eagle has landed and I am keeping him caged with a chain that is practically strangling him? Make sense? Yes, I know, I am being cryptic. But saying it out loud (which I have done just a couple of times), opens me up to the encouragement of men that I so rely upon. And yet, it also invites the criticism and judgement I am unprepared for. So give me 24 hours, and maybe I'll clue you in. Maybe.

Your prayers for confidence will greatly affect my desire to spill the beans. FYI.


m denckhoff said...

you are like the final episode of American Idol.......Dragging things out, are you?!?! The suspense is killing me.

Jeff and Brandi said...

Praying for you-that you would trust where God is leading you- I say go for it! I am excited for you even though I don't even know what it is :)

carol said...

All I know is that I'm not in the mood to hear that you're going to Africa...or that you will now be dressing like lady GaGa. I can handle just about anything else. I'll be a prayin'

Anonymous said...

Good old Oprah says you have to name it to claim it. Name it, girl! Don't pass the plate. Linda

becky said...

as your friend i know that God created you for great things. he has given you an amazing heart and an intelligent mind so i won't be surprised at all when i hear of the plan that is too big for you to grasp but He knows He created you to do it!