I'm BAAAAAAAACK. Did you miss me?
Maybe you guessed that it was Spring Break and that we have been out of town. I would have loved to blog you through the 15 HOURS it took us to get down to Hilton Head, South Carolina. But then I would have publicized my absence to the creeps of the world (all 5 of you that read this blog...jk). I could not, in good conscience leave our fat beagle to single-handedly protect the house against intruders.
Anyway. On my first official night back, I would like to tell you of a cultural phenomenon.
In Macon, Georgia--on an exit off of Highway 16--there exists every kind of fast food on the planet. Within a one block radius. I like to think that amongst the communities of the morbidly obese and those at risk for heart disease, this would be a neon, greasy heaven.
And as I have no willpower and am being held captive in a mini (van) with four young children, my reward/death sentence this morning equalled a breakfast biscuit and a Dunkin' Donut. Oh fine. Two breakfast biscuits, a donut and a *few* donut holes.
And a diet coke.
I kind of want to vomit and sob uncontrollably and laugh and call some sort of interventionist, all at the same time.
While I sparred my children the atrocity of clogged arteries in the morning, I did manage to serve them a breakfast of pop tarts and a variety of nuts. Which means I have inadvertently fed them the preferred foods of hillbillies and rodents. Awesome.
(No offense to those of you who serve these foods, as a complete nutritional meal, on a daily basis.)
So. I ate my sausage sliders and donuts in the car, all comfy with my down comforter and pillow. In essence, this was much like eating large amounts of grease in a moving bed. Which kind of sounds like this century's flashier, sexier, "in-YO-face" answer to the water bed. Boo-ya.
Coincidentally, a bed on wheels would appear to be a GENIUS proposition for the morbidly obese/heart diseased populations. And their flagship store shall be in Macon, Georgia.
Be warned, though. The bed-on-wheels CLOSELY resembles a toilet-for-birds. As witnessed by the winged terrorists that took a crap all over our car. In summary, I am now eating dangerously unhealthy amounts of greasy and artificial sweeteners, in a bed-on-wheels that is covered in shit. Ca-peesh?
Wait.
My previous use of the word hill-billy has me uneasy. Because somehow, my brain is telling me that this term connotates negativity toward Southerners? If so, I apologize. I realize the pop-tart/nut breakfast combo is not reflective of all territories south of the Mason-Dixon line...rather, it is a possibility for anyone who serves meals from the convenience of a 7-11. But I am at a loss for non-regional words to describe a person who may serve her children sugar & legumes while consuming fat in a moving bed? Suggestions?
Missourians would probably use the term "Hoosier"--which of course is the highest form of a compliment in the fine state of Indiana. And I happen to like Indiana.
My study of the Jersey Shore (translation: hours watching MTV) tells me that this type of individual *might* be called a Guido? But that also leads me to believe there must be unhealthy fake tans, hair extensions and Italian ancestry involved. Not a perfect fit, but maybe the Northeast equivalent?
Lest you think I am totally a food snob, I will remind you that I LOVE Spam. I ate it for breakfast REGULARLY as a child. And just to make sure I induce a good gag in my blog-audience, my preferred method for inhaling spam is to put it on a bed of rice and wrap it in seaweed. Yum-O. I do not know what the equivalent, territorial slur for strange food eaters in Hawaii would be. Open to suggestions though.
Regardless. I'm pretty sure it was the moving-shit-bed that made it all really special this morning. Complete with child-sized port-a-potty. I am owning that kind of awesomeness.
Maybe you guessed that it was Spring Break and that we have been out of town. I would have loved to blog you through the 15 HOURS it took us to get down to Hilton Head, South Carolina. But then I would have publicized my absence to the creeps of the world (all 5 of you that read this blog...jk). I could not, in good conscience leave our fat beagle to single-handedly protect the house against intruders.
Anyway. On my first official night back, I would like to tell you of a cultural phenomenon.
In Macon, Georgia--on an exit off of Highway 16--there exists every kind of fast food on the planet. Within a one block radius. I like to think that amongst the communities of the morbidly obese and those at risk for heart disease, this would be a neon, greasy heaven.
And as I have no willpower and am being held captive in a mini (van) with four young children, my reward/death sentence this morning equalled a breakfast biscuit and a Dunkin' Donut. Oh fine. Two breakfast biscuits, a donut and a *few* donut holes.
And a diet coke.
I kind of want to vomit and sob uncontrollably and laugh and call some sort of interventionist, all at the same time.
While I sparred my children the atrocity of clogged arteries in the morning, I did manage to serve them a breakfast of pop tarts and a variety of nuts. Which means I have inadvertently fed them the preferred foods of hillbillies and rodents. Awesome.
(No offense to those of you who serve these foods, as a complete nutritional meal, on a daily basis.)
So. I ate my sausage sliders and donuts in the car, all comfy with my down comforter and pillow. In essence, this was much like eating large amounts of grease in a moving bed. Which kind of sounds like this century's flashier, sexier, "in-YO-face" answer to the water bed. Boo-ya.
Coincidentally, a bed on wheels would appear to be a GENIUS proposition for the morbidly obese/heart diseased populations. And their flagship store shall be in Macon, Georgia.
Be warned, though. The bed-on-wheels CLOSELY resembles a toilet-for-birds. As witnessed by the winged terrorists that took a crap all over our car. In summary, I am now eating dangerously unhealthy amounts of greasy and artificial sweeteners, in a bed-on-wheels that is covered in shit. Ca-peesh?
Wait.
My previous use of the word hill-billy has me uneasy. Because somehow, my brain is telling me that this term connotates negativity toward Southerners? If so, I apologize. I realize the pop-tart/nut breakfast combo is not reflective of all territories south of the Mason-Dixon line...rather, it is a possibility for anyone who serves meals from the convenience of a 7-11. But I am at a loss for non-regional words to describe a person who may serve her children sugar & legumes while consuming fat in a moving bed? Suggestions?
Missourians would probably use the term "Hoosier"--which of course is the highest form of a compliment in the fine state of Indiana. And I happen to like Indiana.
My study of the Jersey Shore (translation: hours watching MTV) tells me that this type of individual *might* be called a Guido? But that also leads me to believe there must be unhealthy fake tans, hair extensions and Italian ancestry involved. Not a perfect fit, but maybe the Northeast equivalent?
Lest you think I am totally a food snob, I will remind you that I LOVE Spam. I ate it for breakfast REGULARLY as a child. And just to make sure I induce a good gag in my blog-audience, my preferred method for inhaling spam is to put it on a bed of rice and wrap it in seaweed. Yum-O. I do not know what the equivalent, territorial slur for strange food eaters in Hawaii would be. Open to suggestions though.
Regardless. I'm pretty sure it was the moving-shit-bed that made it all really special this morning. Complete with child-sized port-a-potty. I am owning that kind of awesomeness.
7 comments:
Welcome back! At least your donut had 0 grams of trans fats! :)
Yes you have been missed, but it was worth the wait to learn about hillbillys and rodents in the same sentence. You simply rock!!
Hillbillys and rodents in the same sentence...AWESOME to have you back!
oh, so funny! you were missed. ca-peesh? do you use this term w/your children? we do all the time. good stuff.
i checked daily wondering if you would post from hhi. can't wait to hear all about it. this post has left me very hungry.everyone is probably grossed out but not this pregnant lady!
I will be honest. My days just were not the same without your musings. I missed you.
Hmm. I had a pop tart and handful of pistachio nuts for breakfast this morning. I am pretty sure nothing you said was an insult to me (and I don't live anywhere near the Mason-Dixon). I am also pretty sure that I should feel more ashamed than I do having just written down what I ate. I bought those things at the cafe at work- no kid or short on time influence to blame.
I'd probably feel more ashamed but all the sugar in the tart has dulled my senses. I'm commenting to help me stay alert until lunch time (which will have lots of lean protein- I swear!).
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