Superhero tales of how my body processes alcohol.

Ohmyygod, blogworld.  Let me explain that last post.


It appears that I have been unintentionally drinking.  The kind where you mistake alcohol for water. 


Which led, amongst other things, to the "forceful holding" of a dwarf hamster.  Turns out my fine motor skills are still in tact, but those rat babies won't just crawl in my hand and let me frickin pet them, so WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO????  Forcefully grab them and smile and drool, whilst trying to hold them *firmly* and not rupture their kidneys.  That's what.  I consider this feat similar (in precision and talent) to performing laproscopic surgery, while annibriated.  Which means, of course, that I am A-MA-ZING.


But the drinking has also resulted in the winning of an annual golf competition.  Having my husband as a partner always makes me feel like a rock star because he eliminates the part of my game that takes 12 shots to hit the green.  And beside the hamster assault, is it REALLY all that bad?????


I probably knew there was a problem when I went to the bathroom at 7:45 p.m., and couldn't quite stand without swaying. But did I mention that we won a golf competition?  What with me drinking a margarita, two shots, and a beer, all before dinner????


Did you think it stopped there?  Because I also had two glasses of wine PLUS two glasses of champagne that somehow, magically, appeared.  All of it making me feel like I am radiating AWE-some (that's for you, Dana).  But it temporarily robbed me of the ability to pronounce any word containing the letter "s".  That's normal, right?????


Did I also mention I am on a DIET???   And that I limited my calorie intake to account for last night's dinner of foods that do not consist of splenda and preservatives?    Which means, I ate water yesterday, AND I ran 4 miles.  And that when I came home looking for a food to soak up the non-digested booze, all I found was fat-free hot dogs and almonds???  Frickin almonds.  Yup, been there, done that.  Almonds leave weird, chunky, residual gunk in my teeth.  You know, when consumed before bed and minus teeth brushing.  And combined with licking a hamster.  Check. 


And if I wasn't wasted, I would have gotten in my car (that looks like it could have been involved in vehicular manslaughter), and driven right up to the 24-hour  Dunkin Donuts that just opened up the street.  Yes, I tried to convince my husband to do it.  Because we don't own any food with fat (and yet I still gain .80 pounds per week).  He refuses on principle.  He is LAME. 


He also wouldn't get me another glass of chardonnay.  And he DOES NOT want to *hold* a hamster.  I even offered to catch it. 

?????????????? 

Who DOESN'T want to hold a hamster? 


On the plus side. I had a REALLY great time tonight.  I talked really loudly.  And the Girl Scouts came up 20 times.  I think the whole massage debacle may have been explained in great detail.  Lordy.  I might have some *issues*.

{Edited to note:  75% of this post was written last night.  And then I remained in bed until 1 p.m. today.  BAD, bad news.  It appears that my tolerance has taken a BIG hit since 1998.   Hubby handled all children AND prevented me the great anguish of eating 15 donuts at midnight.  He is not lame, he is like the Dali Lama, I think.  And also, it's a really good thing that I didn't find the 2-pound bag of candy corn *hiding* in my car door}.