These shoes brought me delusions of a small man with a time fettish, and other tales of my fashion incompetence.

So.  I'm thinking about getting myself ready for this wedding.  And I have my regular long black dress, but I *believe* I only have one pair of black heels that are suitable for winter wear.  But I might actually have 3 pair, except that I am never quite sure if strappy heels are appropriate for a formal wedding in December?  Without pantyhose?  Because I'm ALL KINDS OF CONFUSED about whether or not you can wear pantyhose when your toes show.  It sort of sounds like something a heavily medicated 85-year-old would do.  But then again, J. Crew takes it up a notch and puts ruffly skirts with HEAVY purple (or equally bold color) tights and open-toed shoes.  And everyone is like, "ooohhh! ahhhhh!".

I tried something similar once, and I looked like an a-hole. 

Anyhoo.  If you are following, then you know I have one choice in appropriate footwear.  Except that those shoes are a size too big and an inch too tall, and I cannot move my feet any farther than .3 inches with every step.  Mike HATES them, and has, in fact forbidden me to wear them to this particular event.

Shoe shopping it is.  Me, the hubs, and four kids (one of which looks like he is going to blow chunks of pasta confetti). 

But I know what I want.  A black, pointy-toe, 2-3 inch heel in a size 7.5.  I am SO confident, I chose ONE stop.  Macy's.  I want this shoe, and I want it cheap.  Because I am unlikely to wear them again until the next wedding I attend, in March. 

Macy's shoe department, on the night before New Year's Eve, is like an entire zoo on methamphetamines.  And there is not one, freakin, classic, black, pointy heel in the place.  Let me rephrase.  There were a few, in the 1-2 inch height.  Which puts me smack back in 85-year-old grandma territory, once again. 

Has it REALLY been that long since I've been shoe shopping?  Are they not even making these anymore?

Mike tells me to PICK something.  Then he tells me to pick something under $100. 

I spot those gold things.  I think, "It's New Years Eve, it could be fun!".  Mike tells me my dress is black, it will match with ANYTHING.  But mind you, he's the man that believes stripes on top, match with stripes on bottom. 

I go for it.  Call these puppies up. I wait for my party shoes, throw open the box, pop them on my feet....

And then.

I notice there is a fake weave in the box, instructions to hit a tanning bed 20 times in the next 12 hours AND Flava-Flav is humping my leg with that big, awkward clock. 

Stripper.  Shoes.  Son-of-a-motherless-goat.


Listen.  On first glance, I do think these shoes are SASSY and fun.  But they are SO NOT ME.  And I didn't notice it at first, but the heels are gold, and when I pop those babies on they very closely resemble a pole one might grease up and slide down. 

I know one of you reading this owns these shoes.  I'm absolutely sure of it.  But here's the thing.  I like the look of these shoes.  I just. can't. pull. it off.  Because they contradict everything I have ever owned, and they feel VERY far out of my comfort zone.  I don't take chances.  I don't "mix it up".  I walk into The Gap/Target/Old Navy and buy anything made out of solid-color-cotton OR denim.  PERIOD. 

It's very similar to me thinking the gals in the J. Crew catalog look FABULOUS!

But on me?

A-hole. 

You get my drift?  Are we cool? 

I still love your shoes. 

Just not on my feet. 

I ended up going with a deep purple, round-toe, velvet-y heel.  I don't even know how I got there.  But the kicker?  After walking 10 feet in them on the way to the wedding, I realized they were about a size TOO BIG.

Sonofamotherlessgoat.