Note to self.

Dear Self,

Today, you have stumbled across a treasure-trove of *birthing favors*, wonderful remnants of the magical years in which you delivered four, feisty humans into the world.  A time of blunt-force trauma to the uterus and surrounding lady-parts.  I totally get why you want to hold tight to a few mementos of pregnancy and labor and the art of bringing life into the world.  You are sentimental, and it is a magical, MAGICAL time.  Completely EMPOWERING.  We love those kind of memories. 

But NOT SO MUCH the images associated with the suction tube that vacuums the womb after the C-section.  FYI.

For most normal human beings, newborn keepsakes would include tiny knit caps and impractical items made out of silver (that one would NEVER let a baby actually touch).  For many, the ACTUAL children themselves, with the whining and the milk-spilling and the melty-beads-up the nose, are the only reminders needed of the joy and pain of labor.  Because even at the age of 5, 6, 6 and 8, they are still much like newborns; terribly dependent little critters whose needs still include (but are not limited to) eating and dressing and diapering (aka ass wiping).  

Self, it's time to throw out the diaper-sized pads.  

Your last baby was born FIVE YEARS AGO.  Seeing as he was a bit of a *surprise*, and knowing that you had given birth to twins just 16 months earlier, I understand that you maybe thought another child was hiding just behind the spleen and waiting to yell "Boo".  But it's been FIVE YEARS.  I think we can safely say that the Freddy-Krueger-baby-monster is no more.  It is unlikely that there will be another pregnancy surprise, and therefore no need to stock pile hospital pads "just in case".

Which begs the question, "In case of WHAT,exactly?"

Because should you have another baby?  They give you those gigantic pads fo' FREE, as many as you like.  Because PEOPLE DON'T TEND TO LIKE THOSE, or hoard them in their bathroom closets.  And if said baby did joyfully arrive, and you returned home all sweaty and swollen and zipper-installed (because that's what they do when you have 4 kids by C-section, they sew in an actual zipper), AND bleeding so heavily that you require 5-years worth of saved pads? 

GO TO THE HOSPITAL IMMEDIATELY.  Because that ain't right and you are bleeding out.    

Also.  Dispose of that squeezy water bottle STAT.  Yes, I know that it was terribly convenient to have one for each bathroom, back in the day.  And it makes a great tub-toy for the very chickens that inspired it.  But ohmygod, you have NO REASON to ever shoot yourself in the crotch with warm water during pee breaks ever again.  And seriously, you are just asking for one of your offspring to use it as a water bottle. 

Gag.

Lastly self--let's talk about the vaginal suppositories.  Really.  REALLY?  When did you ever think you would have a use for those EVER again?  Let me remind you--they SUCKED.  Those would be extra-special favors from the days of invitro, and go quite nicely with the random syringes we found in the kid's medicine drawer.  REAL NICE.  There is nothing better than a waxy shot of hormones, straight to the va-jay.  Oh wait!  There was also the matching shot of hormones straight in the upper ass muscle.  Good times.  Also, if you happen to remember the shape of these little gems? Very much like small torpedoes.  And we all know how little boys LOVE anything appearing as a missile.  So please.  For the LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY.  Please dispose of the vaginal suppositories before you find your sons playing battleship in a hormone bath, 'kay?  If they take the squeezy bottle with them?  You. Will. Have. An. Aneurysm.

On second thought.  Knowing your HATRED of throwing anything away, might I suggest sending these as a lovely care package?  A giant stash of post-labor pads, a crotch bottle and a box of suppositories with a note that says "Thinking of You"? 

Brilliant. 

Keep it CLASSY self.

xoxo,
Yours truly