Every once in a while, perceived maturity in my children or sheer necessity of our lifestyle will cause us to change a *seemingly* meaningless household routine. Often, this is an uneventful edit, like transitioning from whole milk to 1%; but sometimes, it is met with a tantrum so mammoth that it rips the very fabric of the space-time continuum, and you think, "So this is it, huh? The universe is going to implode because I did not cut my kid's chicken into cubes."
And sometimes, in the midst of this enlightenment, I remember that I CAN travel back in time via my very own Internet Delorean (that's code for my BLOG, guys) and warn the parents of infants that they are about to step into a seemingly harmless landmine. Today is one of those days.
Hear ye, Hear ye!
A message from the end-times, to parents of cutesy-wootsey little babies, pregnant ladies and newly married couples who will one day attempt to have children while claiming they "aren't trying, just not preventing" pregnancy. That's really annoying, btw--no one conceives a kid by playing it cool, except for teenagers, and do you REALLY want to be compared to a pregnant high school-er on an MTV reality show?
If you have kids, are expecting kids, or think you want kids at some point: Do not EVER buy kid toothpaste. EVER. If it contains a picture of Sponge Bob or the Teletubbies, is flavored like bubble gum or chocolate (gag), is glittery, is the color pink/lime green /purple or comes in a tube shaped like a Disney Princess--WALK AWAY.
Last week, after the last bit of blue, sparkly kid toothpaste hit every surface of our bathroom, I was supposed to buy more. Between feeding the kids, and washing the kids, and cleaning up after the kids--and making sure they don't strangle themselves in their sleep with that YARN they are so fond of--I freaking forgot, okay. SO SUE ME, kids. FYI, there is a response that is WORSE than a lawsuit, and it involves snot and saliva and normal toothpaste flowing like a river, and it is bloody awful.
"I don't want to brush my teeth! It's burning my mouth! I don't like your toothpaste! It's spicy! You were supposed to buy OUR toothpaste! Ow, it makes my mouth HURT! It's burning! I'm gonna throw up! WAH! I DON'T LIKE! IT!! Why did you forget our toothpaste? It BURNS! I'm CHO-KING!!! OWWWWW!!!!
Did you know using non-kid toothpaste is like brushing your teeth with ACID? 'Cause apparently, it is.
I REALLY wanted to video it--except between the aforementioned yelling, and the saliva, and the snot, and the toothpaste and the holding of the head and the prying of the jaws and the actual brushing itself? I was six-hands short of able to operate a camera. Sorry.
My point here is that Satan is Smurf-themed Colgate toothpaste, and when the Bible says that there will be a great gnashing of teeth on judgement day, it means that LITERALLY; except that judgement day is code for every morning after breakfast. It's 20% hysterical and 92% sweat-inducing-- and just like childbirth, I kind of forget how awful it is until we're back at it again the next day, still without the Malibu-Barbie coconut toothpaste. Four days of this, and Mike declared that we were Never. Going. Back., because it's become one of *those* battles, and we CANNOT back down or we lose control...forever. Because it's toothpaste, and if we cave now, there is a good chance they'll scream their way into a diamond-encrusted Mercedes on their 16th birthday (such is the progression of these types of entitlements).
Parents of the future: toothpaste-marketed-to-kids will cost you your soul. Beware.