And sometimes, in the midst of this enlightenment, I remember that I CAN travel back in time via my very own Internet Delorean (that's code for my BLOG, guys) and warn the parents of infants that they are about to step into a seemingly harmless landmine. Today is one of those days.
Hear ye, Hear ye!
A message from the end-times, to parents of cutesy-wootsey little babies, pregnant ladies and newly married couples who will one day attempt to have children while claiming they "aren't trying, just not preventing" pregnancy. That's really annoying, btw--no one conceives a kid by playing it cool, except for teenagers, and do you REALLY want to be compared to a pregnant high school-er on an MTV reality show?
I digress.
Last week, after the last bit of blue, sparkly kid toothpaste hit every surface of our bathroom, I was supposed to buy more. Between feeding the kids, and washing the kids, and cleaning up after the kids--and making sure they don't strangle themselves in their sleep with that YARN they are so fond of--I freaking forgot, okay. SO SUE ME, kids. FYI, there is a response that is WORSE than a lawsuit, and it involves snot and saliva and normal toothpaste flowing like a river, and it is bloody awful.
"I don't want to brush my teeth! It's burning my mouth! I don't like your toothpaste! It's spicy! You were supposed to buy OUR toothpaste! Ow, it makes my mouth HURT! It's burning! I'm gonna throw up! WAH! I DON'T LIKE! IT!! Why did you forget our toothpaste? It BURNS! I'm CHO-KING!!! OWWWWW!!!!
Did you know using non-kid toothpaste is like brushing your teeth with ACID? 'Cause apparently, it is.
I REALLY wanted to video it--except between the aforementioned yelling, and the saliva, and the snot, and the toothpaste and the holding of the head and the prying of the jaws and the actual brushing itself? I was six-hands short of able to operate a camera. Sorry.
My point here is that Satan is Smurf-themed Colgate toothpaste, and when the Bible says that there will be a great gnashing of teeth on judgement day, it means that LITERALLY; except that judgement day is code for every morning after breakfast. It's 20% hysterical and 92% sweat-inducing-- and just like childbirth, I kind of forget how awful it is until we're back at it again the next day, still without the Malibu-Barbie coconut toothpaste. Four days of this, and Mike declared that we were Never. Going. Back., because it's become one of *those* battles, and we CANNOT back down or we lose control...forever. Because it's toothpaste, and if we cave now, there is a good chance they'll scream their way into a diamond-encrusted Mercedes on their 16th birthday (such is the progression of these types of entitlements).
Parents of the future: toothpaste-marketed-to-kids will cost you your soul. Beware.
8 comments:
I'll say it. You have to pick your battles carefully, so as not to lose the war. And toothpaste is not a battle, go to Target, get what they like and save your sanity for the birthday party(s). Yes, cinnamon does taste like ACID to a kid and four kids? But your gift for painting a picture with words is why I read your blog daily. RJ
I think our kids might be meeting in secret because we have have had the exact same battle. "it's TOO SPICY" is my daughters battle-cry when it comes to using the dreaded mommy toothpaste
Every night I ask myself how is it possible to get that crappy pink princess toothpaste under the sink, on the toilet, on the mirror and still have not even gotten any in their mouths
Kill me now- I hate pre-time routine
and I am not talking about cinnamon toothpaste, just plain old blue mint crest.
It must be a right of childhood to get toothpaste EVERYWHERE in the bathroom while brushing teeth. It amazes me everyday that a pea size amount of toothpaste can end up on every surface in the bathroom. Drives me crazy!
Ha!! Maybe they won't use so much if they don't like it. I swear Drew thinks it's his nightly snack.
Freakin' toothpaste all over his mouth, the sink and usually the mirror. You might be on to something...
I wish someone had told me to avoid the stuff about 6 years ago!! I probably would have ignored their advice, but it's totally worth it to start with the 'spicy' stuff!
Absolutely love the way you put things down on paper. :)!
And if you are like me, research the ingredients for toothpaste, well then, you might not buy toothpaste any longer. Simple baking soda and salt will do just fine.
I once fell for the "Inspector Hector Plaque Detector" lie. It's just a bottle of blue dye that kids find entertaining to spit everywhere. Biggest pain in the ass and marketing fib out there.
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