Boredom makes me want to eat straight mayonnaise.

On Day #4, I am finding myself...bored.  I cleared all obligations and scheduled activities this week, mostly out of fear that I would be chained to a toilet (not the case), but also to keep my calorie burning to a minimum--lest I go for a run, or chase children at the playground, or clean the house, and become dizzy and stumble and DIE.  I can think of nothing worse, than for my obituary to read that I perished while juice cleansing; instead I am holding out hope that I will go quietly in my sleep while parachuting.  Or something equally as peaceful and bad ass and fearless.


Because here's the thing:  when I am bored, I want to EAT.  Something, anything, straight mayonnaise even.  You know you have food issues and PROBLEMS if straight mayonnaise--or condiments in general, really-- are tempting.  And it's not just the mayonnaise, but ANYTHING besides juice.  Even whole grains sound amazing, despite my previously expressed hatred for anything natural and "healthy".  The heart of this battle is NOT that I am starving--but that my tendency toward TERRIBLE choices is really hard to break.  If I load up on juice every couple of hours and stay ahead of the hunger curve, I am great.  I'm not tired (but I am getting 9+ hours of sleep every night so that I forget I am hungry).  I've learned the secret to making the juice palatable, and it is LEMONS--in everything, because it covers that nasty vegetable taste/aftertaste.  What I'm saying is that if you buy a big bag of lemons at Sam's Club, this entire experiment is completely do-able--aside from the part of me that wants to eat MAYONNAISE or raw oatmeal.  RIGHT NOW.


The problem is NOT the juice.  The problem is the thousands of bad and tempting choices that I face everyday.  You can keep this in the context of food, or you can really apply it to...EVERYTHING.  How I spend my time, how I raise my kids, what I choose to volunteer for, how I spend my money--you name it, there is a "healthy" way, and there is a way that I justify not-so-great choices out of convenience, or comfort, or because everyone is doing it, or because I "deserve" it.   I drink gallons of Diet Coke, and I gain weight, and I run to neutralize it all out, and I'm tired, and I'm constantly feeling like I am a few miles behind having everything together.  I know that's my season of life, and it's who I am at the core; I would NEVER be happy sitting idle and not sticking my nose into some kind of project.  But perhaps the thing that needs to go, at this point, is the way I treat my body and how I fuel myself.   And maybe making wise choices here, will inspire changes in other areas of my life and my time, because it is amazing how clearly we see when we strip away some of the crap.  This new routine is HARD--oh, so HARD--but everyday that I stick with it makes me a lot less likely to drive through McDonald's next week.  Written as I gulp down a broccoli/yellow pepper/carrot/apple/lemon juice.


As I mentioned before, sacrificing my 84-ounces of Diet Coke hasn't been an issue at all, and I think that's because it's a liquid, and I am so f-ing done with liquids right now, it's not even funny.  However, if Diet Coke was a baked good covered in buttercream frosting, I'd have *real*problems--as opposed to the one's I am making up in my head (i.e., craving straight mayonnaise).


Also, quick side note:  Mike and I DO NOT own a juicer.  However, at least 10 people we know do.  You know why?  At some point, everyone thinks this juice-kick is an AWESOME idea.  Maybe not as a 14-day (or what is likely becoming a four day) cleanse, but as more of a long-term way to add fruits and veggies into one's diet.  But then they blend some parsley and celery with a couple of apples--and it is freaking AWFUL, and they vow never to do that sh#! ever again, because feeling good and 10+ years of life is NOT WORTH IT.  And this is mostly because they didn't use LEMONS, but still, they have this fancy juicer sent to them by Satan himself.  We borrowed our juicer from one of those friends.


The point here, is not to document a juice cleanse for any of you who might be tempted by my GLOWING and POSITIVE reviews!  I think we ALL know each other better than that.  The point is to bring you along on this painful little journey, so that you can see what it looks like for me to make some big changes and to show you that drinking straight juice for four days isn't going to kill me.  In the words of Kelly Clarkson, it's going to make me STRONGER.


Or, at the very least, it gives me something to blog about.  That's a win for you, friends--and you don't even have to juice any kale.  You're welcome.