Still here, friends--still here. I can't say I've been gone for any one reason, except that the pollen count is making it particularly difficult to carry on with life in any kind of efficient manor, and last week was mostly a series of un-entertaining errands, with allergy medication sucking all the sass right out of me. Trust me friends, my absence was really a favor.
However, it has gotten me to think about the point of this blog, and what it is I'm doing here and how it contributes to the rotation of the earth, exactly? Now that right there is a gigantic rabbit hole that leads to who-the-hell-knows. If I'm being honest, I'd say that ever since the spaghetti squash debacle, this has loomed in my head, because that whole *episode* was like ripping the band-aid right off my calm, cool and witty exterior. And you know what? I sort of LOVE bleeding publicly. No, I'm being serious. No eye roll.
I mean, once I got over the fact that everyone at Target wasn't staring at me and thinking I do horrible things to my children for sport, it was okay...liberating, actually. Because really, the only part of this that was painful was GETTING OVER what people (who don't know me), think of me. And much like a gag reflex, the only way to do that is freaking swallow it and MOVE ON. So really, I'm grateful for the opportunity to MOVE ON and get past it, because that is a skill that takes WORK, and I want to be good at it. Also, it's always good to remember exactly who I am, and then, to be damn proud of it--because that's a skill that takes work too.
So NOW WHAT? Do you really want to hear about my collection of scrapbook paper, and how that is ironic, because I don't scrapbook? Or how we amassed a collection of bath towels from the 1960's? How my old 2005 ponytail is carefully re-packed in a box in the basement, to be dealt with at some point in the future? That stuff still matters, right? A little bit? I suppose that I'm just sort of tossing with the part of me that writes here to PLEASE you. To make you like me. To be validated by the Internet that I am a person that is funny/wise/witty/real/interesting/insert adjective here. I'm thinking that I need to knock that shit out, but it's truly been ingrained in me for 35 years, so that's tough, you know.
I'm just trying to find that balance. Between writing all the little stuff that makes me, ME--but also trying to make it mean something. I'm trying to fill in every blank, because some of you got it REALLY wrong. But we all know that's impossible, and also a crap ton of pressure for a daily post that I usually begin a 8:00 p.m. every night. While on allergy medicine that evaporates the personality right out of me.
I also know that there is a book in me. Somewhere. But part of the problem is the BLOG. Because I write EVERYDAY, but the blog keeps me in the practice of writing in the moment, and book needs me to write with the longer lens of perspective. On a daily basis, it's just really hard for me to jump back and forth--and so the thing that gives is ALWAYS the book.
What I'm saying here is not that I'm giving anything up...but that I need to restructure. I need...goals. And then I need the time to actually work on them, so that ALL of this doesn't just feel like I am throwing something fake and insecure and wrapped up in sarcasm out here, every night. I'm just not exactly sure what that looks like, but I KNOW it means that the end goal of writing here shouldn't be just getting you to come back everyday. I really think it should be all about telling you a great story. MY story. And I think I'll be better if I'm not under the enormous pressure to write something six days a week.
So for starters, I'm gonna cut back a couple of posts a week. NOTHING major, just a little room to breathe, and go to bed before midnight, and not be overcome by guilt if I miss a day. The goal is not to step away, but to be BETTER at what I put out here.
Thanks for understanding, blog world. I promise to make it AWESOME.