Cool is dead and buried in a dress on the clearance rack at Target.

Blogworld, I have the most AMAZING story to tell you, and this time it involves a professional portrait that I posed for, spontaneously, at a local pet store.  Certainly not as creepy as that time in college that one of my friends won a photo shoot in a seedy motel (link HERE), but just as awesome.


Except that it's gonna have to wait, because it's Sunday night, and per my normal routine, I pissed away today's scheduled nap for a few solid hours in Dillon, Texas (aka, Friday Night Lights).  Also, I have learned the difference between eating like crap when you are 21 years old, and eating like crap when you are 35--and it is that every Sunday night I am now convinced that I am 28-weeks pregnant with a baby made of high fructose corn syrup and lard.  I am still very pro-french-fry; but I am also fairly certain that I could have smoked meth when I was in college, and I would STILL feel better than I do now, after indulging in today's Qdoba burrito. And last night's Dreamsicle bread pudding.  Plus my standard 742 ounces of diet coke.

The other difference between 21 and 35?  KNOWING I am not cool enough for the BATHROOM at the new bar in town, as evidenced by the fact that it took me 15 minutes to properly identify the soap dispenser.  Twenty-one-year-old me would have been content with a water rinse, probably because I was wasted, and my standards for hygiene can be expressed in the fact that I would occasionally swallow a cigarette butt from the beer-can-turned-ashtray I would mistake as my beer can (for all that tuition, I can identify at least 5 parts of that statement that prove college kids are often really STOOPID).   Thirty-five-year-old me, however, stood there perplexed, made an awkward joke when I figured it out, and even took an iphone photo, which subsequently, put the final nail in the coffin of my COOLNESS.  It's okay though, because there is freedom in admitting that the person who put the soap dispenser three feet away from the sinks and over the trash can is RIDICULOUS--and it is a liberation similar to realizing that I LIKE buying all my clothes at Target, and then having the balls to freaking rock the Merona maxi dress in five different colors.


But for now.  Please know that tomorrow's post will be epic, and COMPLETE with the previously mentioned photo.  As an added bonus, there will also be a puppy giveaway!  And by giveaway, of course I mean FREE to the reader that is willing to *donate* $300, and regularly swab the face folds of the most adorable living creature I have ever seen, and been PHOTOGRAPHED with, in my entire life.  And by adorable, of course I mean, rolling in neck skin.  


Bring it ON, new week.  Mike is the announcer at our first swim meet of the season tomorrow night, and the crap that is sure to come out of his mouth on a loud speaker in front of our entire suburb only means GREAT things for your, friends.