Suck it, Tooth fairy.

You've screwed me again, Tooth Fairy.

So. Big J ripped his two front teeth out of his mouth at church a few weeks ago, and you would think we would have prepared ourselves with dollar bills.  But we are kind of lazy, and so you can imagine my surprise when Big J received FIVE WHOLE DOLLARS under his pillow the next morning, because that seems kind of awesome and not at all like something we would do.   Now, aside from sewing/ monogramming G a tooth fairy pillow back in 2008, I have pretty much stayed out of all things regarding the delinquent fairy; and this was because Mike had the *brilliant* idea to give our kids Susan B. Anthony coins, and I wasn't even sure this was accepted as real money, so I let him deal with the particular type of controversy this was likely to stir.  However, it turns out the kids were impressed with the big coins, which was a WIN--but what we failed to recognize was that Mike often falls asleep before the children, and so from almost the very start, our tooth fairy has been unable to carry out his duties, thereby killing some of the magic and wonder of childhood.

Clearly, our intentions for the tooth fairy began creatively; but over time, no additional tooth fairy pillows were sewn, and it slipped our mind to run by the bank for Susan B. Anthony coins.  And then we lost some of the kids teeth before they even had a chance to put them under their pillows, or we fell asleep before completing the ONLY step in this process that makes the whole thing *magical*.  Kids, if you are reading this as adults, then please accept my apologies--however, this means you are ALIVE, and keeping you that way is a hell of a lot harder than it looks, so you can get over that business about your dead teeth and THANK ME in wine for the fact that you still have all your fingers (hopefully).

No Denckhoff child has ever received a five dollar bill from the tooth fairy, but none of our other children have ripped multiple teeth out of their gums in a single morning, and so we were able to spin this; but that kind of manipulation is a slippery slope, and one that is likely to end with my other children performing their own extractions with a set of pliers, just to see what 16 teeth are worth.   The $5, however, felt VERY generous for our particular tooth fairy, and I assumed he was trying to make up for being such a douche all those other times--except that later that day when I asked Mike for a few dollars, he looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Do I look like I have $3?  The tooth fairy brought a FIVE DOLLAR BILL, so what do you think?".  And then I knew it wasn't an intentional act of goodwill, but (per usual) a result of poor planning, which made  A LOT more sense.

It was totally worth it though, to see that gummy smile on Big J's face--and it was easy to get on board and feel AMAZING as a parent who makes my kids dreams come true.  

Until last night.  

When we took the kids to Cici's Pizza and Big J put that entire $5 into the token machine.  And before I even knew what was happening, Big J had committed himself to purchasing five dollars worth of China's cheapest sh#! from small vending machines.  Fortunately, this will go well with the millions of dollars of cheap crap we have already amassed from previous trips to Cici's, local carnivals, McDonalds happy meals, goodie bags and dentist offices.

I KNOW that he will lose interest in these items very quickly, and that I can throw them away when he's not looking--but this is of little consolation, because it cost me $5!  That's like, one-third the price of the maxi skirt I've been eyeing at Target!  And clearly, this is going to impact our savings plan for a Nintendo DS--which was designed to teach my children APPRECIATION for such items, except that their savings doesn't seem to be growing, because *occasionally* the tooth fairy has to "borrow" from the children's piggy banks. What I'm trying to say is that this whole tooth fairy deal is a FLAWED system, because kids have A LOT of teeth, and this gets redundant.  

Kids, if you've learned anything here, it's that the tooth fairy sucks--and also, that paying for small bouncy balls will kill a part of your adult soul.